Fighting In A Marriage

The other night, Hubbie and I were arguing in the kitchen and Bubbie was doing something that made him come and go out of the room.  Finally he sat down and exasperatedly said "I do not like when y'all fight."  Hubbie and I continued to finish our argument that ended quickly with apologizes,  hugs and kisses and the realization that we were arguing about something that we argue about the most- COMMUNICATION!

Ugh!  When will we conquer that?!  We don't fight money.  We don't fight kids.  We rarely fight s-e-x.  We don't fight all the biggies, but most of our fights come from lack of communication and/or expectations of the other.

After the fight was over, and we continued about our evening, getting the kids fed and in bed, I started to feel guilty about fighting in front of Bubbie and him disliking us doing it.  But after I thought about the situation for a second, I decided that I had nothing to feel guilty about.

Ya see, I grew up never EVER seeing my parents fight.  To this day, I have NEVER EVER seen my parents fight.  I've seen my Dad annoyed.  I've seen my Mom annoyed.  But never did I hear anything negative about father until I was much older, married and out of the house (and even then, it was just a "oh, Dad does that" kind-of-a-thing)...... and not saying fighting has to have parents bickering or saying negative things behind the other persons back, but they didn't fight or argue or bicker or show any kind of disappointment or disdain for the other.... MY WHOLE LIFE.

Some would say, "THAT IS WONDERFUL!!!  Your parents are role models to follow!"  And while I agree with that statement, I also know that a big part of Hubbie's and my marriage issues is that we came into a marriage not knowing how to argue and fight in a Godly way.

Hubbie says he didn't grow up seeing his parents argue either.  Since this isn't his blog.  I will stop there and not say more, out of respect, but I do see how my views and his views of a marriage and marriage issues make us clash on this topic of fighting.

So, the other night, after we had finished and resolved the argument, I went up to Bubbie, kissed and hugged him and told him that I loved him, that I loved his Daddy and that married people sometimes have disagreements and argue, but it doesn't mean we don't love each other.

Now, I know, that part of Bubbie's dislike for our arguments is because he doesn't like conflict,  but I have a guilty suspicion its because he grew up listening to us arguing when he was a baby.

We argued A LOT when he was a baby.  We argued for probably the year or two of his life.  It was the way we communicated.  Without arguing, we didn't have much productive communication.  We were both stressed and MAXED out on life, bills and each other.  Once we began FPU and marriage counseling, we began to learn better communication skills and expectations.

So, what do I want my children to learn from their father and myself about fighting in a marriage?

1- Don't argue/ fight often.


Jesus got angry.  I believe that the Lord added that verse in the Bible so that we wouldn't beat ourselves up about getting angry or mad at someone.  Its what you do with that anger that the Lord wants to convict us about.  In a marriage, there is going to be "conflict" and arguments and fights.  You just don't want a marriage full of fighting and bickering.  If you are, get counseling to determine the issue and resolve it quickly.  Once satan finds a hole in your marriage, he will wear away at it until its no longer a "small issue" and it can break up the marriage.


2-  Fight clean.  Don't fight using words that will damage.  And stick to the issue.  And SHOW RESPECT!


Psalm 34:13 says "Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies."  And Steve Green did a song YEARS AND YEARS ago from this verse (which is the ONLY way I knew that this verse existed!  I remembered the tune!)


When Hubbie and I were first married and when we argued, we pulled all the guns out and did a lot of damage to each other.  We brought up anything that was low and what we knew would hurt.  We learned years later what kind of damage it had done.  I think we are much more cautious to not "fight dirty" and knowing that once we've said those things, we can never erase them.  And that this marriage thing is long term, so you're gonna have to sleep with that person later.  ;o)


Also, women will internalize the hurtful things that he said as in " I don't love you"  But men will hear the same words, spoken by his wife and internalize them by thinking that his wife is saying "I don't respect you."


3-  Always ALWAYS resolve it!


I know this is more of a thing for me, since I'm a deal-er... Hubbie wants to let it go and move on and not deal with it.  I want to deal with it(meaning talk it to death!) and THEN move on.  True, I can pester someone to death about a topic, but I just want it resolved so that it doesn't come up later.  Many-a-nights we've gone to bed angry.  And yes, I know (Eph 4:26) .....  I have no good excuse.  Sometimes its late.  Sometimes its a big issue.  Sometimes one of us has been too angry to communicate and its been late when the fight starts...so we go to bed....Something I wouldn't recommend BUT sometimes we don't do things the right way.


4-  Always ALWAYS show affection in front of your children.


I know this isn't a "fighting" one, but I think showing affection in front of your children will remind them that even though their parents argue sometimes, they still go back to being loving and affectionate with one another.


Now, just in case someone is wondering, our marriage is fine.  We've weathered A LOT of storms together and are stronger because of it.  We cling to the hope in Him and know that there isn't any other way to have a marriage than one that Christ- centered... something we need to do better at.  We don't argue a lot, but a few nights ago was one of those things that just happened unintentionally-  I was sick.  I am pregnant.  He was super late.  I had expectations of him doing certain things once he got home.  He was annoyed that I was annoyed at him about things that he was doing because I had asked them to be done....etc. etc. etc.  :o)  A very silly argument.  And one that could have been avoided by COMMUNICATION!  ;o)

Sure, it could have been taken care of behind closed doors, but again, my children need to see parents argue- LOVINGLY, resolve it and move on with life.  :o)  Geesh!  We are about to have 4 children, if every time we had a disagreement or something to say to each other and we needed to be behind closed doors, the issues would NEVER get taken care of and we'd be two 50 yr old empty nesters- looking at each other, resentful of all the things that we didn't discuss!  :o)  HAHA!  In my opinion!

I think if Hubbie and I strive to live a Godly life and marriage, knowing that the other is a fallen-sinful human being, but yet, show them respect and love WHILE arguing, I think our kids will pick up on that.

If not, then its one more thing to add to the therapist bill YEARS from now!!



These are just my opinions and thoughts on the subject.  PLEASE! tell me your thoughts and opinions.

 ...How do you fight and argue in a marriage?  Do you?  In front of kids?  Do you think the way your parents did it has made a difference in your marriage?